The Question Before The Question: What Do You Want?
“What do you want that you’re not asking for?”
It wasn’t too far into the Brooklyn Museum’s event, “Brooklyn Talks,” when the guest of honor — footwear designer, Salehe Bembury — shared the above question.
It’s one he asked himself as he was navigating a career transition, and he was now giving it to us in the audience to ponder. I’m using the word “give” intentionally, because his question felt like a gift — particularly since it’s days later and I cannot stop thinking about it.
Innocuous questions and statements have a way of doing that, don’t they?
Maybe I keep coming back to it because I wonder what my answer to it is.
Or, maybe it’s the deep awareness that in order to answer the question, I first have to answer a foundational question:
What do I want?
And guess what? You’re facing these same two questions as well.
If you grabbed a piece of paper or opened a document on your computer right now and made a list of what it is you want — knowing it would be for your eyes only — what would you write?
Presuming you did this exercise, what did you notice?
Did you give yourself permission to want what you want? Or, did you hold back a little?
Did the fear of someone else’s comment or judgment immediately creep in, causing you to second-guess yourself before you even got started with fulfilling your want?
Did you jump so quickly to thinking about the “how” that you’re now paralyzed by the enormity of what it might take to have what it is you want?
Do you feel guilty for wanting all the things you wrote down?
Or, is it possible that everything you wrote down feels good because it feels totally safe and doable? In other words: no risks will be required of you to take?
Are past mistakes and failures creeping in and now you’re frozen into inaction?
Whatever you noticed, notice this too: the question itself is rarely just one question.
The Costs of Unasked Questions
If babushka dolls ever took the form of questions, today’s piece would be a perfect example.
Because questions like — “What do you want that you’re not asking for?” and what do I want? — beget even more questions before you can actually answer the question.
Individually and collectively, these questions require you to:
Avoid rushing the answer, and to instead actually sit with them and patiently wait for the answer to reveal itself. (Which, if you’re like me, can be incredibly hard — confusing any action with taking the right action.)
Be honest with yourself about what you’re avoiding — and why.
Believe that your wants are legitimate enough to name — even if, initially, only to yourself.
So, I’ll hope you’ll embrace what may seem like a list of endless (and counting) questions. Because here’s a truth worth facing anytime, but especially now:
When you don't know what you want, you end up paying for other people's wants!
You end up saying yes to a myriad of things — e.g., projects, prices, people, and arrangements — that don't actually serve you.
Making the unasked question a costly one, even if the cost is “hidden or unknown.”
So, in the spirit of Bembury — and as my gift to you this Sunday — I’ll leave you with the same two questions I’m sitting with:
What do you want?
And what do you want that you’re not asking for?
About Jacquette
I love to ask questions and spark aha moments. I love to talk about why success with money is about more than just the numbers, and how the cultural impact on the intersection of money, business, and life matters–A LOT! And, I really hope I help people feel seen, heard, and not judged—especially since money is emotional and personal.
